My 2 year old son heard me crying this morning. He asked me "what wrong, mommy?" and I almost died inside.
I immediately forced myself to stop because I feel that he should never, ever be burdened with my problems, but I also realized that last year I was crying on this day too, and possibly the year before that.
It's my birthday, but that isn't why I am crying, nothing so inane as that... I'm crying for the same reason that I haven't blogged in several months; shit sucks and things are bad. Like, really bad. And they have been for a very, very long time. I feel like such a jerk for feeling sorry for myself today too. The words "no one should cry on their birthday" keep rolling though my head and I know that is total bullshit. There are people trying not to get blown up in countries across the Middle East, some are grappling with debilitating and life threatening disease, others are battling physical and mental abuse... what the hell do I have to cry about? I feel guilty, even though my feelings are as valid as the next humans, I know that there are people out there that have it much worse than I do and I hate myself even more for feeling the way I do. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm bitter. I'm demoralized.
I'm not asking for pity nor do I expect it. I don't want words of encouragement or condolence. I am a big girl, not a Disney Princess. This is me venting because I have no place else to put this and I have to get some little part of it out of my head lest it spill over and taint the only good thing I have in my life; my family. I want everyone to take a second and think about everything that goes right for them on a daily basis: having a job, a place to live, good friends, food to eat, a car to drive, good health and the ability to maintain it, etc. Anything above and beyond that. Really be grateful for it, because there are people that have sub-par versions of those things or none of those things at all.
Its no fun blogging when you have nothing good to report. I'm not going to bore you with the details of my first world problems, just know that things are really, really bad and I am doing the best I can to not let it affect me so much that it affects others. I hope to start blogging again soon if I ever have the energy and appropriate emotional condition to do so.
Happy Birthday to me. Here's hoping things start to look up soon...
